the trouble with trust is...

some say people comes and goes as they please in your life. but in my life, people go when i dont trust them anymore.

because i have trust issues.

i wasnt like this before, i was actually inviting and trusting. my issue stemmed from that broken heart years ago. ive learned to forgive and forget the person but i never really get around to trust people that easily anymore. i suppose if you got burned pretty bad you'd be scared to even feel warmth.

i had friends falling off the grid and people not being able to enter my life because of my issue. just recently i had a sorta falling out with a friend. we remained friends however, its never the same.

its not the "hey fucker whatcha doin" friend anymore its more of a "see on the lift and a simple hey would be enough and then go on your merry way" kindda friend.

i would like for it to change back to the way we were but, i cant seem to do it. it doesnt even feel awkward for me not to talk to him anymore, although i do miss the psycho babble shit we do and coffees and breakfast. but thats it. that's just about it. i dont think about it anymore. and come to think of it, its because i dont trust him anymore. i dont trust him enough to actually go out of my way to make him feel welcome in my world anymore. (not being a mega galactic bitch who acts out of self entitlement here)

its not easy for me to trust. and i dont trust you my friend, anymore.

its a shame though, we could've been a will and grace combo.

happy mothers day mom!

i had written down 4 different paragraphs just to describe and to let the world know how awesome you are but nothing seems to match and able to capture how truly amazing you are. so ill just keept it simple.

I LOVE YOU MOM!

talisayin cove 2012

i have the best summer ever. even if i have these skin allergies from too much sun, i still enjoyed every bit of my summer. and i believe it hasnt stopped yet. i still have 2 more summer outings to go to. i still have calaguas island, camarines norte and i think 1 in antipolo. Marse's also planning the camara island in zambales.

i enjoy the beach too much. and i loved it. even if i havent been out of the country these past years, im ok with it, because im determined to explore the philippine islands first before i venture to other countries. and im starting from north to south.

last week i had a blast at talisayin cove. its part of the coves and islands of pundaquit, san antonio, zambales. it was my first time to be there. it was lucklaster compared to the most talked about anawangin cove, but nothing compared to nagsasa cove. it was a so so place, with a lot of locales taking permanent residence.

the thing that i liked about the place is that you can choose where to camp because it has a long stretch of sandy white to gravel like sand. it has a lot of shade as trees were abundant in the area.

the middle part of the beach is where cottages are located, the farther left is where the private part of the beach is, with houses and common areas design with ZEN and SERENITY in mind. (i wouldnt mind staying in those houses) towards the right are stretches of sand good for camping.

the water. is FINE!! its so clear you can see the sand, fish, rocks and corals! its great for swimming, the water is calm and cool. we even reached i think around 17ft deep.

i never got enough of the water, thats why im tan! yeah!! to show you guys how much i enjoyed the beach pictures below!

my summer so far

i said on my twitter that i am determined to make this my best summer ever!! and to give you a glimpse of what i had for my summer 2012 here are the pictures!!

Capones Island, San Antonio Zambales

Anawangin Cove, San Antonio Zambales

Zoobic Safari

Cubi Point, Subic

Camayan Beach Resort, Subic

!

lets talk about my status and my future

i never really thought of what im going to write in here... i just felt like i needed to. i actually have a lot of ideas in my head however, they dont really pan out in when im typing them in... i think its because its all problems rather than solutions... and i dont wanna look back and read my entries and realised what a fucked up kid i was...

but then after a few minutes of break i decided to write something that ive been talking to my friends about. all the time. so 'ere it goes...

LETS TALK ABOUT MY STATUS

im currently 25, although i tried to stop the time by 22. i never wanted to grow old. and i think thats a little absurd of me because im still considered to be in my prime. however, when i turned 22, most of my friend are settled down, if not, they have kids already. and i am no where near those stage. even now.

im single, no boyfriend and no future marriage proposal. im not saying i want to have one but im nearing my late twenties and i said, by 27 i hope im married.

last night, my girlfriends and i had these talks again. i dont know if they are worried about me, or they just want to pressure me into a relationship so i can catch up to what they mostly talk about. married life. they're trying to set me up with a bunch of guys and i kept on saying no. they said im picky, choosy and what not. i said im not picky im just not ready. well, honestly, thats a half truth and half lie. i am picky and i am not ready. im afraid of it actually. i think my past experiences clouded my judgement. or im just enjoying myself too much.

i hate myself for being this indecisive about an important aspect of my life.

honestly, i am afraid. afraid of being in a relationship just because i need to be in one. because. i was just part of one. i always said, that i would never be in a relationship just because i need to be, i said, i will be in a relationship because i want to be and i love the person. turns out, i ate my own words.

i got into a relationship because of convenience, not because we love each other. and i am deathly afraid that it would happen again.

and lets not forget, about enjoying myself too much. yes, honestly. i am enjoying this. looking at some of my friends, who are, i dare say happily committed, they always have a hard time enjoying themselves. they cant just go and pack their bags and leave for the beach. they have to consider get the permission of their better halves before they can move. and i dont want that. i want freedom. i want to be able to go into the world, soak up the vibes and and breathe freely...

and coming from a relationship, i just had a taste of that. i do not like restrictions. no. dont get me wrong im not being selfish here. all i want is for my partner to trust me and my judgement. i will not deliberately put myself into a compromising position. im not an idiot. im an adult so do not treat me like a child. well, he WAS possessive as possessive can be.

so what will my future be? i know, that im not gonna be married in the next years, i know that im not gonna have a child in the next year... and i know, that im not yet part of their married life conversation NOT just yet... because im too busy living my life. the way i enjoy it.