birthdays birthdays and more birthdays

i was reading a book last friday about how to "write" yourself, and i came upon a chapter where various students form the author's writing class, described how they celebrated their birthdays when they were younger.

one student wrote about her birthday, she said that her birthdays are never happy, sure she gets cake and candles but she never saw her dad genuinely smile, because the day she was born, was the day her mom died.

and another student wrote about leaving her natal birthday behind and celebrating her "self-birthday". she wrote about how she let 20 years to pass, letting herself to celebrate her birthday confused and imprisoned in lies. so a week after her 21st birthday she called her mom and told her, she's gay. after the phone call, she called all of her friends and told them they needed to celebrate her "self-day". she never felt more alive than ever.

so i came to thinking, when was the last time i celebrated my birthday that i was truly HAPPY?

i looked at photos and videos of my past birthdays and the last time i REALLY celebrated my natal day was on my 7th birthday. my lolo was alive, all the people that i love and love me are all there, i had fun and i can see it on my pictures. i had a huge birthday cake with 7 pink candles, i had my sister beside me blowing my candles, everyone was on festive mood, oh and i saw my relatives from abroad actually came home for my birthday.

the next years were a bunch of "blah-days", and the most that got to me was my 18th birthday, my so-called "coming-out" birthday... and i didnt even have a single picture.

but i still remember how i celebrated it, we celebrated my bday at ei's condo at noval, my mom and dad brought us spag and chicken and cokes (coca-cola you dirty ass you) i remember i only invited i think 7 or 6 people-issai, ei, niz, maki, mai and aji... or did i invite anyone else? whatever. it was a happy day. but not that grand.

and my next birthdays after that, i simply erased from memory. nothing special ever happened to me during my birthdays, its either im in school or im working.

so this year, i make it a point that i will celebrate my birthday, even if im alone. im gonna buy a birthday cake(the biggest i can afford), spaghetti and coke zero. and eat it all till i burst! i'll only do that if im alone, if not (hopefully, my bday falls on my rest day) im gonna buy a cake(the biggest i can afford), cook spaghetti and chicken, buy my fave flavor of ice cream, blast music, and dance till i drop to the floor with my family and friends!!!!

hello

hello, its me again. yeah, i thought so too. nooooo... im still interested, but not right now. i have a lot of things going through my head.

yeah, it hurts, a lot, along with this one. i dont know why. i cant think of anything that its bothering me as of the moment, maybe its there. im just not aware of it.
i guess so.

i think it never left.

i think it never left.

...

well, i havent thought about it for a while, so how come it hurts?

yeah, its unfair for me to ask you that. yes, i know, you were never there, so couldnt answer me.

wait, you were there?

why didnt you tell? you've been hiding from me?

why?

oh.

i know, if i saw you, i would cry. i would breakdown. and you couldnt let me breakdown, you knew, that if that happens, my shell would be broken, and i would never regain that back.

thank you.

yes, i know.

next time you're there kick me a little so i know that you're there, but, dont take over that well okey?

i know, say hi to meany and happy for me, and to the rest of them there.

burned out

hello father's day!!
father's day is here
and i am in the house.
happy father's day to your dads!!!

+++

another burned out moment. its a sickness really.
im tired of blogging.
maybe next week ill have the nerve to write another.

i waaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnntttttttttttttttttttt one!!!!



photo by: jeremyville.com

jeremyville chucks

the list of yes

yes i like/love...

fire engine red
a box of crayons
blueberry waffles
lomo camera
snorkel, goggles, fins and diving shoes
cotton candy
spicy spaghetti
gossip magazine
skinny jeans on fat legs
isopropyl alcohol
bright yellow wayfarer
chucks
siomai
dark chocolate
giant coloring book
bow bow
spade
stand up comedians
coffee
gloomy afternoons
johnny depp
mint
lazy mornings
smell of tapsi
project runway
U.S.T.
beach
the strokes
perez hilton
hi-ro
csi
pyrotechs
jun matsumoto
snow
tsinelas
darkness
long baths
mails
imogen heap
regina spektor
the killers
artic monkeys
carpets
visionaries/maskman
ghost fighter
vincent van gogh
walruses
hot milk before bedtime
OLONGAPO
mermaid
kafka on the shore
middlesex
snl
philosophy and dr. co
wonder boy crackers
piyaya
old school headphones
bob dylan
jim morrison
freddie mercury
led zeppelin/jethro tull
cheddar&sour cream flavored ruffles
talking
san mig super dry
talbos ng kamote
skulls&heart shoes
history
GOD
stalking
daydreaming
perezhilton.com
airconditioning systems
people watching
muscle cars
roller coasters
rainbows
male jackets/cropped jackets
laughing
blue berry muffins
chinese movies
albino python
flaming flamingo pink leggings
steaks
loose pony tails
sharon cuneta movies
contact prints
black and white films
close up toothpaste
bbq's
dentist
popping bubble wraps


.... more to come