birthdays birthdays and more birthdays

i was reading a book last friday about how to "write" yourself, and i came upon a chapter where various students form the author's writing class, described how they celebrated their birthdays when they were younger.

one student wrote about her birthday, she said that her birthdays are never happy, sure she gets cake and candles but she never saw her dad genuinely smile, because the day she was born, was the day her mom died.

and another student wrote about leaving her natal birthday behind and celebrating her "self-birthday". she wrote about how she let 20 years to pass, letting herself to celebrate her birthday confused and imprisoned in lies. so a week after her 21st birthday she called her mom and told her, she's gay. after the phone call, she called all of her friends and told them they needed to celebrate her "self-day". she never felt more alive than ever.

so i came to thinking, when was the last time i celebrated my birthday that i was truly HAPPY?

i looked at photos and videos of my past birthdays and the last time i REALLY celebrated my natal day was on my 7th birthday. my lolo was alive, all the people that i love and love me are all there, i had fun and i can see it on my pictures. i had a huge birthday cake with 7 pink candles, i had my sister beside me blowing my candles, everyone was on festive mood, oh and i saw my relatives from abroad actually came home for my birthday.

the next years were a bunch of "blah-days", and the most that got to me was my 18th birthday, my so-called "coming-out" birthday... and i didnt even have a single picture.

but i still remember how i celebrated it, we celebrated my bday at ei's condo at noval, my mom and dad brought us spag and chicken and cokes (coca-cola you dirty ass you) i remember i only invited i think 7 or 6 people-issai, ei, niz, maki, mai and aji... or did i invite anyone else? whatever. it was a happy day. but not that grand.

and my next birthdays after that, i simply erased from memory. nothing special ever happened to me during my birthdays, its either im in school or im working.

so this year, i make it a point that i will celebrate my birthday, even if im alone. im gonna buy a birthday cake(the biggest i can afford), spaghetti and coke zero. and eat it all till i burst! i'll only do that if im alone, if not (hopefully, my bday falls on my rest day) im gonna buy a cake(the biggest i can afford), cook spaghetti and chicken, buy my fave flavor of ice cream, blast music, and dance till i drop to the floor with my family and friends!!!!