BITTER

bitterness can really change a person... ive never met a more bitter person than you. 

ive been accused of a lot of things but not THAT. never THAT. you are just too bitter to accept that I will never EVER be yours...

i pity you... you cannot move on from your sad life. instead of be happy for me, because i thought we were and still are. i should never have trusted you again. 

i hope in time you realise how fucked you are, and your words, actually hurt. 

because yeah, i do take it personal.  I TAKE IT VERY PERSONAL. 

do you know the feeling of loving someone but not IN LOVE with them?? yeah... thats the exact same feeling i have for him right now. 

i know now that we are really destined to be friends, better, friend for life. 

i know basing from my previous post, that i have no right in judging the things i feel right now. but im not using my heart right now, im using my brain. and my mind says to stop thinking about things too much. stop planning too much and stop over analyzing things too much.

so thats just what ill do. ill just stop. 

the damage goods.

when i was younger i used to think that fairy tales come true and everyone has their own prince charming. he may not be in a shining armour, but atleast he will pick you up and show you what love is all about.

i dreamed of meeting the one and praying that he would soon come and sweep me off my feet. that he wont hurt me and will never leave me. well, he did come, swept me off my feet so i can land on the ground with my butt hurting.

after that incident in my life, i think i never "recovered". and up until now the guys i ended up having a relationship with are paying for it.

dont get me wrong, im way past that stage now.  i dont feel the pain and the hurt anymore, i dont even hate the person. but something did change. there's a part of me that died that day when i realised that he was not the one.

i did a complete 180 when that happened. i was never the same. i couldnt even recall how i was before. all i remember is that i was never the bitch that i am now.

i try my very best to put the pieces back together. to find my self. the me that was endearing and sweet and careful. but im struggling. .

im just going through the motions. waiting and waiting until i reach a point where saturation will kill the thrill within me and this, whatever i have, will die. and whenever this happens, one of us ended up being
damaged in the process.

i need to stop looking for things that would hurt other people. that would make me lose them and myself again. being with me is a vicious cycle.

so i need to stop.

i need to go figure myself first. then maybe, just maybe... i might get back to the way i truly am.

happy birthday LOLO

i never want to think of the negative. all i want to think about is the positive. even just for today.

all i want to think about is my lolo. mi abuelo.

he is the man, apart from my father, that i will ever love unconditionally and eternally. He was the pillar of my strength, an unwavering force of nature that continues to inspire and push me to my limits.

He was the love that words cannot explain, and I am simply at a loss.

To my dearest Lolo, may you continue to rest in peace and love me from afar.

rumour blogging

i totally forgot how fun and therapeutic blogging is... i think this is the reason why the stress is getting on to me, i dont have an outlet where i can just pour my heart and soul into without the fear of being judged. so now. since i have pinkberry (laptop) with me, i will try, as best that i can to blog.

so blogging starts now...

so the story goes of the boy meets girl and the girl meets boy.

i never really want to blog about my personal life anymore because i had a "staker-scare" moment, but this call for a a blog moment. because if i will not let this loose, i will die. (mentally)

so this started with rumours. the rumour that i have a bf in the office spread like wildfire. at first it annoyed the hell outta me. i mean, wtf?? dont you guys have better things to do than to gossip about me?? and why is my lovelife all of the sudden the talk of the town? and why all of sudden everybody started caring about it??

precisely the point of me not wanting an OFFICE ROMANCE.

so for the past weeks... every one bugged me about whether i or not i have a relationship with M. scratch that a romantic relationship with M. how bad is the bugging you ask? well imagine me, walking towards my station at the start of my shift and everyone that passed by my station asked: kayo na ba ni M?

WTF. that happened for atleast a solid 2 weeks straight.

then it died down because whenever i get asked of the question, i always ALWAYS answer: ASK HIM. same goes for him.

now comes the good part... (the brit in me is talking)

it started with me putting on HEARTBREAK WARFARE as my status in BBM. (i swear to gawd sometimes BBM is eevil) then M followed suit. i didnt know that he did so i got confused/surprised when he BBMed me saying that people were texting him asking if he had an LQ or does he have a gf or if we fought. THE FUCK?!! (he is not in the office btw hes out sick with sore eyes)

i always had that status on BBM if not this icon (-__-).

sooo moving along, since some of my "kids" are also my BB, buddies they were asking if we broke up. greaaaaattttt. then everyone started asking me too if we broke up, if we have LQ or not.

then we talked about it and said that since they want a show, lets give them a goddamn show.

he even put on fb that heartbreak warfare is a song by john mayer and that we both liked it. and we are not fighting. we even made a joke about it. the next i know. everyone's taking sides already.

mostly they're for me, saying that I deserve better, he's not a good match for me, he's a playboy, he's this and that and this and that.

someone even came up to me and said that he/she/it never really see us lasting longer than 2 months, because he's not a good catch. he'll just break my heart and leave me... blah blah blah

even the managers and people that i dont normally associate with GOSSIPING and CARING about me, even give their 2 cents. i wont go into details about what they are saying about him, me, or us as it is not important. (and i dont wanna dwell on the negative)

and with all this currently in loop in my life right now... i am OVERWHELMED + STRESSED at the same time.

i am OVERWHELMED because i never knew that they all love me that much. i never thought that i was really their baby in the office. they all feel for me. and they all said the same thing, one more fuck up from him and he'll be dead. ahahaha! i never thought that they care for me that much and they dont want to see me get hurt. seriously, i LOVE you guys to bits, even when sometimes your making my life miserable.

IM STRESSED because, this wont die down! and im not expecting this to die down, because he has yet to return to work and i am pretty suuurrre that when he comes back, its gonna be bigger, bolder and nastier than ever.

for a ruse, this sure is a fucked up outcome. i even said to the people that its not his fault. that im the one to blame. that i was the cause of all the shits that's been happening to us just so they would stop all of their threats against him.

oh my. FML. sorry M. dont worry, as i told you on BBM if i have a sudden bout of hysteria ill just stop talking to you to avoid starting a warpath against you. :) i will do that, whether you like it or not.

sooooo... yes i finally let it all out. i hope i can breathe a little better...