yes, my calendar does not have a feb 14 either!!

yes like normal people i skipped the vday.

not being a bitter prick here but im done and over with valentines day. its not like christmas where everybody has to comply and celebrate the damn thing! ( ilove christmas btw)

i was a bitter neanderthal the first half of the day due to seeing too many "i-love-you-babe" on the innernets! the one thing i hate the most are overtly lovey couples.

and yes, being surrounded by single and bitter people helped shaped my mood that day.

lemme make this clear. the last time i spent vday was pretty awesome and surreal it had to be fake. i mean who would do something like that? that is uniquely impossible! and yet he accomplished it. turns out, the reaosn why he did that was because he had a huge skeleton to bury and he needed it to disappear fast.

so i was kindda traumatised by that. however, recent turn of events had change my mood ever so slightly on this particular 14th of feb. i got a surprise by M. he gave me balloons and candies.

surprise and total shock, because M is never the surprise kindda person. he always always forgets things that is not related to him. ask him what my birthday is, he wouldnt even know. that's how annoyingly selfish M is.

so imagine my surprise, when i get a commanding call from him asking me commanding me to go down to the parking lot because he has to give me something. Lo and Behold he gave me balloons and candies. im grateful for that really but he didnt have to carry me! goodness!

honestly, i was caught off guard. i was floating after. i wasnt really happy i was really... grateful. grateful that he remembered me on vday. and he took the time and effort just to visit me at work and make me feel special, even if its less than 30 mins.

my own terms

i will eternally love my gayfriends.

they can tell that im unhappy without me syaing anything. even when they dont see what i look like.

its trivial for me, to have this bond with them that it scares me, what scares me the most is that i would not be able to mask anything from them anymore. if you should know (talking to myself here) the thing that i mastered in my life is to hide my emotions.

i am notorious in burying my feelings until i forgot that i even had those emotions. i am one of those people that would tell you whats just on the surface, anything else beneath the surface is mine and mine alone. I carry other people's burden but i would never want other people to carry mine. its selfish i know...

people telling me their deepest darkest thoughts and emotions, trusting me enough to let me in... but i can never do that. im selfish when it comes to my own demons. ill fight them alone. i never want to impose myself on other people. and i will not start now.

i guess im the biggest masochist and sadist there is, i enjoy giving pain to myself and receiving pain from myself.

its not that i dont trust anyone. its just that... i am uncomfortable with people knowing more than what they should know. im... not use to people pushing their opinions and judgement on me because i dont want a tainted decision. i want to fight my own battles in my battlefield with my own strategy. and i dont want any casualties... but me