my own terms

i will eternally love my gayfriends.

they can tell that im unhappy without me syaing anything. even when they dont see what i look like.

its trivial for me, to have this bond with them that it scares me, what scares me the most is that i would not be able to mask anything from them anymore. if you should know (talking to myself here) the thing that i mastered in my life is to hide my emotions.

i am notorious in burying my feelings until i forgot that i even had those emotions. i am one of those people that would tell you whats just on the surface, anything else beneath the surface is mine and mine alone. I carry other people's burden but i would never want other people to carry mine. its selfish i know...

people telling me their deepest darkest thoughts and emotions, trusting me enough to let me in... but i can never do that. im selfish when it comes to my own demons. ill fight them alone. i never want to impose myself on other people. and i will not start now.

i guess im the biggest masochist and sadist there is, i enjoy giving pain to myself and receiving pain from myself.

its not that i dont trust anyone. its just that... i am uncomfortable with people knowing more than what they should know. im... not use to people pushing their opinions and judgement on me because i dont want a tainted decision. i want to fight my own battles in my battlefield with my own strategy. and i dont want any casualties... but me