lets talk about my status and my future

i never really thought of what im going to write in here... i just felt like i needed to. i actually have a lot of ideas in my head however, they dont really pan out in when im typing them in... i think its because its all problems rather than solutions... and i dont wanna look back and read my entries and realised what a fucked up kid i was...

but then after a few minutes of break i decided to write something that ive been talking to my friends about. all the time. so 'ere it goes...

LETS TALK ABOUT MY STATUS

im currently 25, although i tried to stop the time by 22. i never wanted to grow old. and i think thats a little absurd of me because im still considered to be in my prime. however, when i turned 22, most of my friend are settled down, if not, they have kids already. and i am no where near those stage. even now.

im single, no boyfriend and no future marriage proposal. im not saying i want to have one but im nearing my late twenties and i said, by 27 i hope im married.

last night, my girlfriends and i had these talks again. i dont know if they are worried about me, or they just want to pressure me into a relationship so i can catch up to what they mostly talk about. married life. they're trying to set me up with a bunch of guys and i kept on saying no. they said im picky, choosy and what not. i said im not picky im just not ready. well, honestly, thats a half truth and half lie. i am picky and i am not ready. im afraid of it actually. i think my past experiences clouded my judgement. or im just enjoying myself too much.

i hate myself for being this indecisive about an important aspect of my life.

honestly, i am afraid. afraid of being in a relationship just because i need to be in one. because. i was just part of one. i always said, that i would never be in a relationship just because i need to be, i said, i will be in a relationship because i want to be and i love the person. turns out, i ate my own words.

i got into a relationship because of convenience, not because we love each other. and i am deathly afraid that it would happen again.

and lets not forget, about enjoying myself too much. yes, honestly. i am enjoying this. looking at some of my friends, who are, i dare say happily committed, they always have a hard time enjoying themselves. they cant just go and pack their bags and leave for the beach. they have to consider get the permission of their better halves before they can move. and i dont want that. i want freedom. i want to be able to go into the world, soak up the vibes and and breathe freely...

and coming from a relationship, i just had a taste of that. i do not like restrictions. no. dont get me wrong im not being selfish here. all i want is for my partner to trust me and my judgement. i will not deliberately put myself into a compromising position. im not an idiot. im an adult so do not treat me like a child. well, he WAS possessive as possessive can be.

so what will my future be? i know, that im not gonna be married in the next years, i know that im not gonna have a child in the next year... and i know, that im not yet part of their married life conversation NOT just yet... because im too busy living my life. the way i enjoy it.